Self Discovery

This path of self discovery is a tricky thing. Every time a beautiful insight appears, I feel healed and I feel hope! But then I seek out things, almost grasp at things that are toxic to me. 

I consume food that is excessive in quantity, excessive in spices and that which causes disturbed digestion. I self sabotage myself. It is as if I do not want to know me and I am hiding from myself. 

I consume sensory pleasures, like watching movies, serials, watching continuous YouTube videos. That simply takes my mind away from my body. I am lost in a make believe world that disconnects me with the present moment. I feel a forceful compulsion to hide behind the screen. 

I am consumed by many thoughts of hate, despair, frustration and fear. These simply consume me and become a force that drives my everyday life. It also pushes me to consume more sense pleasures, more movies, more screen time. 

Thay talks about inter-being. I see that all my consumptions, toxic or nourishing, leads one to the other. There is no check posts when I begin to slide down in my own toxicity. But there are signs I get to feel when I am moving towards nourishing consumption. It is as if my mind is lighting up my whole being and I am already feeling better. 

I am recognizing many alarm tinkles that show me that I am on the reverse. These alarm tinkles when ignored, are temporarily hidden behind screen pleasures and food pleasures. But the risky ones are those thoughts that I have let to become a force that drives me. 

It will be quite a journey I know because I am going to meet me more and more as I learn to heal myself. I shall be a force of healing in the world! 

The Dark Tunnel

The Dark Tunnel or The Bottomless Pit? 

Either way the journey will take us through some unpleasant territory. So why do we enter the dark phase when we know we are going to have some unpleasantness?

Well! I can only speak for myself! 

I entered the darkness in my unaware state. I dint know I was unaware but in my spiritual arrogance I thought I was enlightened. I waded through some dark and ugly muck. In my ignorance, I thought the world had been unfair to me. I thought I was betrayed by life. I felt despair of the darkest kind. I felt I wanted to give up, up and go away! I wanted out of life!

But then as always, I was shown the ray of dawn. Or should I say I showed myself the ray of hope that could heal me. I knew I needed some success before I could even begin to show healing as a palpable thing. I needed to know I am going to be okay.

I turned to my beloved teacher - Thay. I allowed his words and calm to touch me, penetrate me, to caress me like the cool wind on a hot summers afternoon. I heard him say healing is possible, that everything is possible. That peace is a seed in me and that I had to water the seed and nourish it and let it nourish me. 

So, one breath at a time, I am slowly meditating my way to healing and freedom. I am slowly breathing my way out of fear and despair into being human in this body. I heard Thay say that we continue to exist in our thoughts, speech and actions long after we cease to exist in our physical bodies. 

In the life as I know it, everything is impermanent. If nothing is eternal or permanent, then I began to believe that my fear and despair too is not me and will soon be allowed to be transformed by me. 

And hence I take my pen again. In the firm belief that I will see light again. 

Self-acceptance On The Path Of Transformation

What a great title for a chapter in my book of life!

My path has taken me to many many teachers... some are humans, some are "dead people", some are my autistic children, some are words that meet me when I need them... in fact all my teachers have appeared on my path when I needed them....or should I say, when I listened! Yes...that is it! I listened and I heard!

I listened to Sister Lang Nghiem talk about this last night. What a paradox... it is only when we accept ourselves as we are can we find the path to transformation!

I heard her say - relaxation is self-acceptance! Isn't that true! We run and run around either in our minds or in our bodies, meandering unconsciously searching for something, something to inspire us, something that will heal us, something that will comfort us! Well... what we are searching for has been within our grasp all along. 

I have been searching for someone to approve of me.... when all along I had not really approved of myself. Do I consider myself a value to myself? It appears that I had not till now. I have tried to ask for others to value me... many have done by themselves, but from those I specifically asked for approval, many have turned their heads and did not value me. 

Both these sets of people, who valued me easily and those who did not are my teachers.... They are teaching me that the approval I am seeking is the approval I need to feel for myself. I need to be my own biggest and only fan. 

Much has shifted in me! Let me see where this leads me next on my path....

Mindful Art

Everything that you are in the present moment is a continuation of  every experience you have had had in the past. Everything you have in your life right now - people, things, events, food, beverage etc was once a seed within you.

As life continues from one moment to another, the present moment holds the seeds of all that you have the potential to become. There are Universal Forces eager to assist you in any way you ask for it. In the same manner, they hold a space that is yours whenever you lay claim to it. So the question you need to ask is which seeds are you watering, which seeds are you allowing the sunshine to, which seeds are you nourishing. Consider your future art work in your mind space. It already exists as a seed. It is yet to take form through your physical tools - your body, your paper, your paint, your time, your space. What is the force that helps the seed become a seedling, then plant, then fruit, then flower and then grow to its full potential? That is the same force waiting for you to take the seeds and make it into perceivable art. This force is unseen. it can be felt. You will not be able to distinguish it from your own ideas as you begin the practice. You  need to practice every opportunity to get to find silence, to find rhythm, to find peace, to find inspiration to bring to action. It is like you are harnessing this natural force to be your art.

You can create art from every conceivable point of view - sad, happy, angry, poor, rich, ill, well and the list is as endless as infinity. What makes your art special is that, in your silence and peace, you have allowed access to the Universal Forces to shower its infinite love and its infinite blessings on the world. God knows the world need it!

In your art you are already doing that. All you have to do is to deepen the practice. And do not rush yourself into any thing. Breathe your way into higher ground. It is possible to find nourishment of your self through your practice of mindful breathing.

An Easy Life

Energy is within me and all around me. It is in the manipulation of this energy, that I can live a life of ease. 

I am exploring the emotional scale that Abraham is talking about. The higher ranges upwards of boredom feels so much lighter. Once I reach these higher realms within myself, energy begins to course through me and changes me to the new me. 

I have refrained from writing about my process till now but today I make an exception. Because this is such a liberating sequence for me! This is freeing me to live my life from my highest perspective. 

I have the power in me to create an easy life! I intend to use this! My deliberate intent to create an easy life for myself is my now force of evolution.