This path of self discovery is a tricky thing. Every time a beautiful insight appears, I feel healed and I feel hope! But then I seek out things, almost grasp at things that are toxic to me.
I consume food that is excessive in quantity, excessive in spices and that which causes disturbed digestion. I self sabotage myself. It is as if I do not want to know me and I am hiding from myself.
I consume sensory pleasures, like watching movies, serials, watching continuous YouTube videos. That simply takes my mind away from my body. I am lost in a make believe world that disconnects me with the present moment. I feel a forceful compulsion to hide behind the screen.
I am consumed by many thoughts of hate, despair, frustration and fear. These simply consume me and become a force that drives my everyday life. It also pushes me to consume more sense pleasures, more movies, more screen time.
Thay talks about inter-being. I see that all my consumptions, toxic or nourishing, leads one to the other. There is no check posts when I begin to slide down in my own toxicity. But there are signs I get to feel when I am moving towards nourishing consumption. It is as if my mind is lighting up my whole being and I am already feeling better.
I am recognizing many alarm tinkles that show me that I am on the reverse. These alarm tinkles when ignored, are temporarily hidden behind screen pleasures and food pleasures. But the risky ones are those thoughts that I have let to become a force that drives me.
It will be quite a journey I know because I am going to meet me more and more as I learn to heal myself. I shall be a force of healing in the world!